Saturday, October 24, 2009

Side Sleeper

Let me start out be saying that I would rather stick my eyes out with a sharp object or shave with a cheese grater before I do any sort of furniture shopping. That being said, you can understand why it's taken since July to get a bed to replace the one Oldest son took to college.

He was coming home for "fall break" and had no where to sleep so the jig is pretty much up and we had no choice. We had to get a mattress.

We decided that our 20 year old queen bed would fit in his old 9 1/2 by 11 room and that would make an excellent guest room if you could ignore the cartoonish "men landing on the moon" wall paper, ancient carpet and 3 inch hole his brother had apparently knocked in the wall sometime in 2003.

For us this meant a new King sized and it was off to the Mattress Giant near our home.

The last time we were here it was to replace a very worn out twin for Youngest son. I don't recall it taking that long and we were in and out pretty fast. What I do recall is that I had wished I had brought my camera since our salesman looked exactly like the Mattress Giant himself. Except smaller. He was like the son of the Mattress Giant, working in a small obscure store, learning the ropes until someday he would operate the Mattress Giant chain and star in all the TV commercials. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, he was Mattress Giant Jr.

Junior was now gone and this time our salesman was man named Andrew. Andrew had a PhD in mattresses and knew just about everything about mattresses. We knew this because Andrew asked us what we were sleeping on now and we described it in the vague terms one uses to describe the steering wheel on your car or what brand your toaster oven is. Things you see everyday but if grilled about, you would have a hard time picking out of a police line up.

Andrew nailed it. First time. He said "You have a four seasons double pillow top".

I was impressed.

Andrew asked us if we liked hard or soft mattresses and then asked us to try out some mattresses. I find this unbelievably awkward. Here you are in the brightly lit mattress store with other customers around and you are getting into bed together to try out a mattress. It's just kind of weird.

So Andrew gives us our own pillows and off we go to bed.

If you haven't bought a bed in twenty or so years, the first thing you are going to notice is that beds are like 3 stories high these days. You need a step ladder to get in some of these things. I now understand accidents where people get injured at home falling out of bed. Of course you'll get hurt since it's nearly ceiling high and you are going to need a fireman and a ladder truck just to get out of the thing everyday.

We climbed into the tall bed and just sort of lay there staring up at the drop ceiling and florescent lights. We say "this is nice" while Andrew tried to coach us through the "what kind of sleeper" are you routine. Do you lie on your side? Back? Stomach?

I really have no idea but you can't say "I don't know" because you are fifty and by fifty you should know these things. I pick side. All your life they try to put you in groups. Are you a Christian? Muslim? Meat Eater? Vegan? Do you like Football? Baseball?

And now I have a new one. I am a side sleeper.

Andrew shows us mattress after mattress and we take our little pillows to each one like a pair of 5 year old children. "Don't forget your pillows" Andrew says after each mattress try out. Thanks Dad.

We finally decided on a reasonably priced one and then Andrew moved into the hard sell on "mattress protection". Andrew is trying to put the fear of stains into us, explaining that for $149.95 we can purchase a mattress cover that is so tough that if required we could re-enter the earth's atmosphere in it. This is usually where I lose it. Let me cut to the chase here Andrew, there is no way we are purchasing a cover for something THAT IS COVERED 24 HOURS A DAY.

On Tuesday they delivered our new King sized bed and we have been sleeping in it all week. It feels huge. I feel like my wife is miles away and I'm sure this was not an accident. I need an intercom to talk to her. "Hello? are you there?" "Did you fall out?" "This ceiling need painting"

On the bright side the thing is so tall the dogs can't up on yet.

1 comment:

Lauren Benson said...

My name is Lauren Benson and I work with Mattress Giant. Just wanted to thank you for your recent visit to our store and glad to see you found the right mattress.Your story about Mattress Giant Junior is too funny! Just wanted to thank you again and let you know I think your blog is hilarious!


Lauren Benson
Mattress Giant