Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Speed, you must get out of the race.

I see that Speed Racer is coming out as a major motion picture soon and this got me thinking about the original Speed Racer cartoon that was around when I was a boy.

I'm not sure if I realized it at the time but there was just a lot with the show that didn't make sense.

First of all, who in their right mind would let their 8 year old kid get locked in an automobile trunk with a monkey? But that is exactly what Mom and Pops Racer did with Spritle. Every. Single. Episode.

I can't imaging the how a crazed monkey is going to react being locked in dark trunk, let alone the smell. Look at Chim-Chim, look in his eyes, he's loco.

Next is the crazy Pops Racer. Here's a thought: If you don't want your son to be a Professional Race Car Driver then Don't build him a race car. What did you think the kid was going do? Be a Tailor or a Dentist? This is a subject that hardly comes up with my kids. I never have to say "Don't be Race Car Driver, kids" because I didn't build them a high performance, spy car-featured Race Car!

And who in their right minds builds a race car and then puts the plans for the race car on the said race car, on the fragile windshield, in invisible ink? Pops. Maybe Pops isn't all there. He's a couple laps short of a complete race. And where do you even get invisible ink? Are we supposed to believe that this moron made his own invisible ink? Are you kidding me?

Pops, you ever seen an auto accident? You know what breaks first? That's right big guy, the windshield.

And what about the nuts that are always trying to steal the plans for the Mach-5? Riddle me this: If you steal the car with the windshield, what the heck do you need with the plans? You now have the race car. Take it apart, figure out how it works, paint flames on it. Who cares, it's yours now.

But by far, my favorite character on the show has got be Racer-X. Part pro-wrestler, part racer card driver, he's Speed's missing older brother, Rex.

Shhhh He's in disguise. It's a mask.

Rex left home after a spat with Crazy Pops over.... wait for it.... becoming a professional race car driver. Is that all these people think about? They are in more races than Elvis.

The best part is that Speed never figures it out! He never says "You know I have brother about your age" even though Racer-X has the exact same "M" logo that Speed has on the hood of his car!

"You know I think I've seen that "M" before somewhere"....

Duh.

Speed never even gets a hint who Racer-X is even though Racer-X is always sacrificing himself to save Speed and let him win the Big Alpine, Desert or Great whatever race.

My favorite all time Speed Racer Quote: Racer-X is always warning him "Speed, you must get out of the race". Let's see, there is exactly one racer that helps you when all the others are out to knock you off the track, He has a Giant M on his chest, he's about the right age and size..... Hmmmm.

Who ever could it be?

Speed, you're a moron. Why else would he never take his helmet off?

He's another thing that has bothered me for years. If his name is Speed Racer and his car is the Mach-5, why does he have a "G" on his shirt? What does the "G" stand for? Goofy?

Don't even get me started on the car. Giant Saws? On a race car? Do you have any idea how heavy those things would have to be? Let alone the liability insurance for having giant saws that extend from you car. (Although that does sound handy for resolving parking issues at the Mall around Christmas time).

So even though it was fun to watch, you have to admit, it made little sense.

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