Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Of pee and careers

The results are in from Mrs F's test and she passed with a high grade. She did great.

The job hunting has taken some unexpected turns however. It's as if God has been saying "So you think you trust in me, do ya".

As we do with all such things, we prayed about getting her a job before dinner and soon She had a per-diem position lined up at a local hospital, one of the three where she did her practical work. She loved working there and was excited when the job was posted. It seemed tailor made for her and our lifestyle. It was a daytime position, it was like a contract position, she could work when she wanted too.

It was perfect.

She interviewed and got the job verbally but needed two things: pass the dreaded test and pass a urinalysis drug screen test.

The HR person handed her some written instructions on one of those yellow sticky notes. It told her to drink 2 8oz of water. It was written just like that "2 8".

So she drank "28" oz of water. This is more water than my wife has ever drank at one time ever. Her back teeth were floating.

She takes the pee test and it comes back, duh, diluted. Well of course it was diluted - it was nearly all water. You could have drank it because it was so clear. We could have bottled it and sold it in stores. You might want to chill it first though.

She needs to pee in the cup again.

Pee test take 2. Now she talks to the lab folks that actually administer the test. They tell her to drink 2 "sodas". She dutifully drinks two 12 oz colas.

She pees again. Diluted again. Technically the test comes back "Negative - diluted".

Now we are thinking that the "2 8" meant "drink two eight ounce glasses of water" in whatever IM speak the HR person uses and the "soda" business was nonsense.

About now you are thinking what will she do for the third test? Listen to their obviously erroneous advice? Not drink anything? Take the test first thing in the morning? Bring substitute pee?

All those answers would be wrong - because - get ready for it -

there would be no third test.

HR calls and informs her that the policy of the facility is to rescind the offer if the tests come back diluted twice. Two strikes and you are out? What are we playing here, kickball?

Two double secret strikes at that. Well she is just upset. I try to comfort her with flowers and such but she wants none of it. She is just down. She turned down job offers because she thought she had this job. Now all the good jobs are taken she tells me.

She goes to our doctor just to make sure that everything is OK. She needs to take another pee test - so she practices. I love her for these things. She comes up with a new strategy - pee in the morning. There is only one problem - she can't hold it that long. New strategy - pee in the morning after getting up in the middle of the night to pee.

I find a yellow sticky by the alarm clock that says:
"Set alarm & pee"

We have a plan.

The doctor visit goes fine and they determine that my soccer mom/housewife/Christian is not a heroin addict. Brilliant.

All this went down a week ago. We prayed again of course.

She has since gotten over it to some extent. She interviewed with another place and seemed excited about that today and you'd think our little pee tale would end there. She gets over it. She gets another job. etc etc.

Today at 4 the first place called back. They have reconsidered. up down up down.

They want her to take a pee test first thing in the morning.

At least we have a plan.


fineartist said...

I came in to look around. I've been blog hopping which is strange because I don't seem to be able to keep up with all comment fairy-ing on my links list, but oh well.

Anyway, I got so tickled with this post. I was going to tease your wife about flunking a pee test for having too clean of urine but with all the trauma she has suffered over this, I think I will lay off.

Then I scrolled down and read where you guys are going on a school tour. We, my son and I just got back from France and Italy, on, yes, a school tour. Believe me they are whirl winded but they are wonderful. Have a good one and I hope I'm not intruding.

suburbanstories said...

Thanks. She is over it as has now she passed! Don't know what that means for the job however.